TagJuan Pablo

Vetting Bachelor Contestants

If we’ve learned nothing else this season of The Bachelor, I hope we’ve learned that public sentiment is not always the best for a show. Every single lady on twitter that is hating Juan Pablo right now at some point said “OMG JUAN PABLO HAS TO BE THE NEXT BACHELOR!!!”

Well the collective wisdom of twitter is not always smarter than a few producers. I hope when picking the next Bachelorette the show seriously tests their options and makes sure the person they select to be the next celebrity of the franchise will actually do the show proud.

I would be ok with Andi or Kelly or even someone totally new. Or… perhaps as the result of this season we will soon see a gay Bachelor(ette)!

And by the way the producers reeeeaaaalllllly need to bring back Bachelor Pad.

Who will win Juan Pablo’s heart?

 

In less than a month THE BACHELOR IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!

So, without further ado, here is my pre-season judging of the contestants:

 

 

My Favorites

Andi:

Andi

This Assistant District Attorney who wants to be Kate Middleton and loves Scandal is my personal favorite (and also one of the few appropriately dressed in their picture).

 

Clare:

Clare

This California hairstylist who is really modest about owning her own salon takes less than an hour to get ready for a date (among the shortest of all contestants) and has never taken a vacation.

 

Kat:

Kat

She’s Iowan. Therefore she’s awesome.

 

Lauren H:

Lauren H

This Mineral Coordinator (what even is that???) seems fairly normal relative to the other contestants.

 

Lauren S:

Lauren S

This Music Composer talks about Vegetable Choppers (apparently she finds them romantic?) and farting in her application. She may be quirky enough for Juan Pablo.

 

Lucy:

Lucy

This California free spirit likes the ocean, travelling, and adventures. She mentions Kate Upton as her best friend, and I think she was kidding, but I’m not too sure… She once organized a 50-person nude dance party. So basically she’ll be the crazy one around for a decent while to drive up ratings.

 

Nikki:

Nikki

This pediatric nurse lists her preferred type of dancing as “Is drunk dancing a type?” She also defines the difference between dirty and messy in her bio, so I think we’d be friends (yes Mom, if you’re reading this, there’s a difference).

 

Victoria:

Victoria

This Brazilian Legal Assistant likes (among other things) Mean Girls, Star Wars, Banksy, and The Lord of the Rings. So if they can’t talk about their shared home continent they can bond over Mean Girls, which I can only assume is Juan Pablo’s favorite movie.

 

 

 

MEH

Alexis

Alexis

You’d never guess it by the photo, but she apparently wants to do missionary work…┬áLike it’s the main theme in her application and I actually believe her wants to do missionary work. She also might speak some Spanish (hard to tell based on the application), which will help win Juan Pablo’s heart.

 

Amy J:

Amy J

Amy is a “massage therapist” who’s nearly as tall as Juan Pablo. And one of the few contestants who are over 30 (Juan Pablo is 31). I don’t really think she’ll go far.

 

Amy L:

Amy L

Outfit judging aside… Amy is a news reporter whose favorite author is Dr. Seuss. I hope she goes far due to funny answers like this:

If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it? “Walk up to them…how else?”

 

Ashley:

Ashley

This high maintenance Elementary School teacher from Texas likes “to dress up, especially for my man” and would bring 6 things to a desert island when asked what 3 things she would bring. Her favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, which is also my favorite holiday, so there might be some hope for her.

 

Chantel:

Chantel

This Miami native is a romantic who wants a Fairy tale.

 

Chelsie:

Chelsie

She’s a “science educator”. Which tells me at 24 she hasn’t landed a teaching gig yet. Her favorite snacks are all in the fruit and vegetable families, so I’m judging her. She also talked about giving away toothbrushes in Mexico on vacation changing her life.

 

Christy:

Christy

This “street smart” Aurora, IL native is obsessed with Adam Sandler and has 2 tattoos.

 

Elise:

Elise

This first grade teacher seems like the most normal of the bunch. Unfortunately she’s 27 and just coming off an 8 year relationship. She is from Forty Fort, PA, which is awesome.

 

Kylie:

Kylie

This Interior Designer likes snap dragons. I like snap dragons. She has a cat but she wants a dog. So basically I approve (if Juan Pablo ever wants my opinion). She’s 23 though, so I don’t think she has much of a shot.

 

Maggie:

Maggie

This southern belle has never been on a plane and is a hopeless romantic. She seems nice, but I’m not sure I picture JP with a southern belle.

 

Sharleen:

Sharleen

This Canadian Opera Singer lists her favorite author as Haruki Murakami and likes conversation and food.

 

Valerie:

Valerie

This personal trainer would bring a dictionary to a deserted island if stranded because she’d have all the time in the world to read. The dictionary. Oh and “men are always impressed with my food.”

 

 

The bottom dwellers according to Marissa

Alli:

Alli

Alli is a nanny who likes her dog and watches Man vs. Wild. I kind of hope she goes far. But I don’t think she will. Hopefully we meet her dog Sebastian before she goes home.

 

Cassandra:

Cassandra

This 21 year old vegan former NBA dancer is 10 years younger than Juan Pablo. Since Juan Pablo strikes me as a leather wearing meat eater looking for someone who might end up as a role model for his daughter, I don’t think she has a chance.

 

Christine:

Christine

This 23 year old “Police Support Specialist” had really boring answers to the questions.

 

Danielle:

Danielle

This Psychiatric Nurse wants a man who is not balding. Reach for the stars Danielle.

 

Kelly:

Kelly

Her occupation is “Dog Lover”. Which is fine at age 9, but she’s 27.

 

Lacy:

Lacy

This nursing home owner at 25 (how does that even happen?) is from Antelope Acres, CA. She likes to watch sports but has no favorite teams, so I’m not convinced she’s human.

 

Renee:

Renee

This Martha’s Vineyard Real Estate Agent likes it when her dates “let her order her own dinner”. She also hates it when her date “doesn’t properly introduce her to others.” Since Juan Pablo will have things on his mind other than her, she’ll get to order all on her own.

 

*All pictures and bio information from abc.com. I’m sorry the pictures are weird and off to the side…