From College to Cubicle

Desiree’s season starts next week. Which means all I have to judge the men on is their ABC.com profiles and the previews I’ve seen. Here are my first impressions:

The Contenders

Brad – A contender because an Accountant/DJ combo has to be a contender. And he answered the Bio questions with humor. Oh and he’s obsessed with peanut butter. His only downside? He can’t remember the last time he read a book.

Drew – HIs favorite author is Hemingway (which means he reads, unlike most of the other guys on this season). His favorite flower is “a rose, obviously. Haha” which sounds like a very stereotypical response from this Digital Marketing Analyst. The downside? He apparently can’t count. The 3 things he’d bring if stranded on a desert island are “A sailboat, a radio, a case of Cabernet, and a few books”.

Juan Pablo – This former pro soccer player doesn’t read. He’s laid back but wants to dance all night. If he had a superpower it would be to read people’s minds, which is creepy. But he’s attractive and athletic so I have a feeling Des will like him.

Kasey – This advertising executive with 5 siblings once rode his bike across Sierra Leone. He’s a former Oral Roberts Basketball player so either he’s a jerk athlete or he’s a passionate Christian. I’m guessing the latter and thinking Des will fall for him.

Larry – Went to Notre Dame. Enough said. Ok I don’t actually think he’s a contender based on his hair, but it’s obvious from his Bio ABC wants to play up the ND factor so I’m going to hope he stays awhile.

Mike R – This Dental Student/Model from London may have a cheesy grin in his photo, but he has the whole English accent thing going for him. He apparently likes “bouncing around dive bars with women who are not usually into those kinds of places.” He’s also had sex in public on a military base. Apparently these guys think they’re under oath to admit everything they’ve done in these questionnaires…

Nick M – This Investment Advisor is son of a CEO of a Fortune 500 company (I’ll research and figure out which one). He seems like one of the more normal guys on the show, and reads enough to have a favorite author.

Robert – This Advertising Entrepreneur lists The Notebook among his favorite movies. He’s been to Paris for a picnic date under the Eiffel Tower so I imagine he’ll adjust well to the types of dates on The Bachelorette. He also reads enough to have a favorite author so I expect he’ll go far.

The “eh, seem pretty average” guys

Ben – An entrepreneur from Texas who quite literally answered every Bio question with blah, middle-of-the-road answers that say nothing about his personality:

Bryden – This Iraq War Veteran (who appears to have no current career) is a former Soldier of the Year runner up and listed his best date memory as Go Karts and Laser Tag (which is kind of awesome).

Chris – likes Scrabble. And was drafted by the Cubs (but is listed as a Mortgage Broker so I’ll assume he doesn’t play baseball anymore).

Jonathan – This Attorney lists his best three attributes as his height (6’1”), shoe size (11 – thanks ABC for listing all of the shoe sizes for the guys…), and his vertical leap (TBD). He loves dogs and his dad. If stranded on a desert island he would bring Marisa Miller, and she spells her name incorrectly, so he’s out of the running to be a favorite.

Micah – Fairly average sounding Minnesota law student who likes lakes, cold and being the center of attention. Oh and he once bought an engagement ring for a girl after dating her for a week.

Will – This banker includes Mac & Cheese in his favorite foods and likes going for walks with his dates, which are both awesome. Healso likes taking his dates to the gym to work out with him, which is a little weird to list as your favorite date. His last relationship lasted 6 years so I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s not over her.

Zak W – At least he admits giving a previous girlfriend a robot vacuum as a gift was not the most romantic thing he’s ever done. He claims to be an engineer but apparently went to school for English & Psych. He seems to be funny and a little quirky so I think he’ll do ok on the show.

The Bottom Dwellers

Brandon – He’s from Minnesota yet prefers hot over cold. He also appears to highlight his hair. He’s been engaged before but listed the reason for the breakup as “we never really found a venue.” Seriously… I can’t even make this stuff up. The pros? He loves dogs and his grandpa.

Brian – Based on the previews I think he’s the one that has a girlfriend appear on the show. Even if he’s not that guy, he’s not a contender at all because it looks like he took a selfie as his official picture. And he wants a girl with “an athletic, curvy body type at least 5’5″… and Des is a short stick figure.

Brooks – Overall a boring Bio. But if he had a superpower he’d beat Watson the computer in Jeopardy.

Dan – Hopes to meet his wife on TV because he doesn’t “do the club scene.” Naturally TV is the only other option. And his favorite artist is apparently Leonardo da Vinci. And he said (unprompted) in his questionnaire that he’d be interested in being the next Bachelor if he doesn’t win… so he’s thinking too far ahead.

Diogo – From Brazil and likes horseback riding on the beach. So a walking romance novel. He casually mentioned in his Bio a few last minute dates to Italy and Disneyland, so I’m guessing he’s got $ and will use it to try to win over Des, which never works on this show (cough Kalon cough).

James – His favorite author is Dr. Seuss. I love Dr. Seuss too, but favorite author? He wants a woman who pursues him… so he went on the wrong show. His biggest date fear is spilling tomato sauce on a white shirt, which is kind of adorable. But he literally left his biggest accomplishment in life to date blank, which is bizarre. At 27 if he hasn’t accomplished anything worth mentioning he probably is boring.

Michael G – This Federal Prosecutor is 33, so he seems a little old for Desiree. He also brought up being a diabetic as often as possible, which makes me think he’ll bring it up on the show as often as Sarah brought up her one arm last season.

Mikey T – What is it with these guys? Mikey hasn’t read a book in “many years.” This plumbing contractor and Pawn Stars fan has been the star of a “surprise striptease show in front of hundreds of sorority girls.” His idea of the ultimate date is a sporting event and dinner.

Nick R – This Tailor/Magician (interesting combo) appears to eat only organically and has the best handwriting of all of the guys. What does marriage mean to him? Monogamy. Apparently he’s not used to that concept.

Zack K – Went to USC and includes among his greatest achievements “getting a full ride to USC” for baseball.

I forgot just how awkward these first dates can be. I mean Emily knew almost nothing about the guys and so the first 1:1 dates are so awkward – I feel like they might as well start with “Hi my name’s ________, I’m a banker but quit my job to find ‘true love’ and I’m from Washington” or something along those lines.

Instead, since it’s The Bachelorette, she starts with something like “where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?” Is this a job interview? Ok well I guess it is to her – she’s looking for the driver for her minivan full of babies, but she might as well start with something like “What experience do you have with children?” because she’s for sure looking for that.

Ok about the guys. I’m fully team Arie. There wasn’t enough of them in this episode, but for a girl whose entire life is a story destined for a movie, I think Arie winning her heart would only be a bizarre yet perfect ending. Plus according to their two second talk he has no problem dating women who have children, which hopefully translates to “meets minimum job requirements” in Emily’s mini-van driver search.

And it’s obvious the way she looks at him she likes him far more than most of the other guys there. By the way his dad is a two time winner if the Indianapolis 500, so once again Emily’s potentially dating into a racing family…

Unfortunately Jef is somehow winning her attention.

I feel like he’s never been in a relationship before. I mean he’s avoiding her because he likes her – are we in middle school? Maybe he spent too much time saving the world with his company and not enough time looking for love? Well she obviously likes him so despite the missing f and odd hair I think he’s probably going to stick around for awhile. On paper he’s a great guy, I’m just hoping his f reproduces to make his name “Jeff” and he gets a hair cut during the season.

For some reason I’m not a fan of Ryan. I though his was the cutest date I’ve seen on The Bachelorette/Bachelor yet (baking cookies and delivering them to soccer practice, then a nice dinner). It was so normal. At first I could tell he was disappointed he wasn’t jumping off a bridge or something, but he came around! I just thought the whole date was awkward. Maybe because it was the first 1:1 date, but the chemistry just didn’t seem to be there.

I thought it was interesting Joe went home so early… I mean it seemed like less of an awkward date than, say, Jef on the group date… I know he didn’t specifically say “I want babies now” but he was basically saying he wants to take life wherever it goes, and that he was willing to put all his cards on the Emily and Ricky bandwagon, which is probably a much more realistic answer to the question than the “I want a mini-van full of babies too!” that she must be looking for.

Favorite Quotes of the Episode - “I proposed to Miss Piggy,” words I’m guessing Jef never thought he’d say…

“If you like being outside and doing stuff like that” – Arie, you’re gonna have to try lots harder than that to make Scottsdale a place Emily would even want to visit. Does she look like an outdoorsy girl to you?

“I’m up for whatever you have in mind,” (x3) Ryan, I’m sure you are. Now if you could only say that three more times… oh wait. You did. Are you aware her daughter might watch this show someday?